We should be in counseling.? I know that, but we don't have the money... and even if we did, there's no WAY he would go.? That's been made clear.? So I know the only things I can do are pray and work on my own attitude and actions.? But right now I think I'm stuck in a rut... angry with him and so very, very sad about what I wanted us to have.? I see families that play together, dads that are relaxed and fun with their kids, couples who have a friendship and parent their children together.? I feel like my life is such a mess.? My marriage isn't a real marriage.? And I'm so tired of hoping it will get better, thinking we've finally grown closer, and then having it all blow up in my face again.? I'm tired of hurting, and all I can feel right now is anger toward him.? I'm tired of being criticized, I'm tired of bickering, I'm tired of his arrogance and talking down to me.? Sometimes I look back and wonder when it all started... and then I remember our first month of marriage when I visited my mom and came home later than planned.? He was angry... took me from room to room of our apartment, showing me all of the things that needed cleaned up and was angry over my lacking house keeping.? Our early parenting was very stressful... he wanted freedom to go out and play and disappear to the neighbors' houses and because I was depressed (we had moved away from everyone I knew), and I needed him to spend time with us, he came in and sat in front of the tv.? That was supposed to be good enough.? And so I think about our dating days... and I think that maybe they were all as a play... feeling what one should feel and behaving the way one should behave.? But did I really feel?? I thought I did.? Maybe every married person thinks that at some point.
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I'm getting too wordy here.? The reason I'm writing is to reach out to someone who might understand what I'm going through.? I don't want to hear that I should leave him or divorce him.? And suggesting counseling is worthless because there really isn't any way he would go.? I bought Love Must Be Tough, so I think that's a good starting point.? But right now I'm finding myself just completely detatched.? I have no desire to talk to him or touch him... I just feel so hurt and let down.? And right now my head is spinning because we had a stupid, stupid fight, and whenever we do, he snowballs so much into it, he interrupts me, he yells, he says I'm spinning things to make myself right and him wrong (really, the only spinning I do is trying to get the conversation rerouted back to the original problem so we can actually solve something for once).? It's never physically abusive, but there is lots of sarcasm.? I've talked to him about how his anger hurts, how his criticism and talking down to me is killing our relationship, and that only ends up with him saying that I said everything is always his fault.? I can't say, "When you do this it hurts or makes me feel _____," because it always turns into "You're rubbing it in my face," or "Everything is all my fault."? I feel like I can't talk to him.? The best way to keep peace is to keep my opinions to myself... if he asks what I think about something, I have to pick my battles... if I give my real opinion, I can count on it not being in line with his and a bickering match ensuing... so if it isn't anything that really matters, I typically just say, "Well what do you think?"? Because that's the only opinion I feel like he really needs anyway.? Oh, and his apologies?? "I'm sorry, but...."? Anymore, though, there really aren't even any apologies.
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So what I need is two things.? I need prayers for wisdom and strength.? And I need suggestions -- real suggestions about how I can react or handle our conflicts.? I hate that our daughters are growing up like this.? And I'm scared to deatht that they will choose a spouse who treats them this way.? I want to learn to cope with this and be stronger... not to fear his anger.? I want to learn to find something about him that I can like... to hold onto that, and to treat him the way Jesus would treat him.? I need to be able to love him and be kind to him even though I feel beaten down and hateful toward him now.
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I should paint the full picture.? I have suspicions that he could have either bipolar tendencies, or he is at least a little manic depressive.? Christmastime, he went a solid month eating junk food, watching tv from morning to night, and had very little interest in making it a fun holiday for our girls.? I understand depression is powerful... but I feel so angry toward him because all of the events in our life that are supposed to be fun... Christmases, vacations, you name it, he's depressed, and it's all about him.? I hate his selfishness.? And I hate that our girls are growing up so fast and these are the memories we are giving them.
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On the flip side, when he's on a high, he's very hyper.? But even then, I hate his self-centered behavior.? I homeschool our girls, and when he comes home for lunch he barges in, loud and inconsiderate for what is going on in the house.? I could be reading, the girls could be working on math, whatever it is all attention is to be on him.? He will be all "funny" and tease around with our daughter while she's trying to concentrate on her math (the other day she was in tears because she couldn't concentrate... I finally had her wait until he left.? He knew what he had done, but did that stop him the next day?? No.)?? It's very impolite and very disrespectful for what I am trying to do.? Sometimes I think I need to enroll them in public school, but I would hate to make that decision because their daddy was too immature and selfish to realize his behavior was damaging to the learning experience.? It could stem from jealousy or wanting attention from me/us.? He was always jealous of my time with the girls, even when they were babies... we talked so many times of needing to take time away from the kids or even as a family go do fun things.? But it never happens.? And while he has gotten into numerous activities... woodworking, hunting, running in marathons... all I have done is be a mommy, and I'm okay with that.? But then he is upset because I am focused on them and we have our thing and he's all by himself.? Well.... that's because you're always off doing whatever you want or traveling extensively for work.? And even so, I'm always here when he comes home.? I very rarely go anywhere because he gets grumpy if I'm not here to serve him food.
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Wow, as I'm typing all of this out he sounds like a real jerk.? I know there's a caring man inside there.? I know he has security issues and wants to be liked.? But it has seemed for so long that he wants to be liked by everyone, except it doesn't matter so much with me.? There's so much more but I don't want to make this too long.? I know I am not perfect, and I know there are many things I could do better to improve this marriage.? But right now I feel so.... angry, so hopeless, that the friendship is lost, and I don't even know where to start.? Mostly because I know the rebuilding will need to begin with me treating him like Jesus would and looking for good in him and trying to put away my anger.? I'm not even sure I have the desire to do that right now.? Maybe because I feel like I'm the only one who ever really tries to improve things.? He would say the opposite, of course.
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I so badly want someone who will comfort and calm me, who will encourage me when I feel frustrated in my efforts to teach the girl or to run our business (which, by the way, brings in many many opportunities for disagreement).? I want a friend.? I want someone who shows their love for me and shows me affection.? Someone who can laugh with me and who thinks I'm attractive.? I'm sure he wants someone who thinks he is their shining knight.? Who is intimate with him frequently (very much lacking, in case I left that out... it's hard to think that way about someone you don't particularly like).? And to be honest, I think he wants someone who will agree with him all the time.
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I've probably complained enough.? I hope someone has something to offer that might help me find some hope... divorce is not something I really want to talk about.
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Thank you for your time.
Source: http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/thread/23630
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